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Last year I lost my father (Ken Boardman). He was good man and a great father. For the first 28 years of his career he was a police officer in the Cheshire Constabulary and later (after he retired) he became the landlord of “The Vaults Inn” in Ruabon, North Wales. He loved driving and he loved cars and I will always remember him for that. As time progresses I still have fond memories of the time we had together, the adventures he took us on and the many things he taught me and my brother and sister.

I don’t want to get moribund about all the people I have lost, but I do want share some things I have learned about the passing of friends and relatives and hopefully this will help others:

• Death is a part of life. Once you realize that one day we are all going to die, and that we all have different amounts of time available to us on this planet. It becomes much easier to put things in perspective. It might be wishful thinking, but I like to think that once we leave this place we can reconnect with those we have lost in the past.
• Treasure the memories and try to capture them. Once somebody close to you passes away the only things you have left of them are your memories, their achievements, photographs, videos and anything they owned or wore. There really isn’t a whole lot left of them after their gone and so you need to make the best use of the time you have together. Capture the moments and take lots of pictures (videos if you can) and make sure you do lots of things together and create some great memories. Try not to spend your time in conflict and you’ll really appreciate it later on – I promise! I have lots of fond memories of my dad and my daughter and these far outweigh any memories of suffering or sadness.
• By all means take as much time as you need to grieve and adjust to the loss – but don’t dwell on it! There is no doubt that some people heal faster than others, but I would recommend that you keep as busy as possible and gradually reduce the amount of time you think about the person you lost each day. Otherwise the feelings of sorrow will wear you down.
• Try not to think  “Why did it happen?”,  “What if I could have fixed it it?”, “What would life be like if this hadn’t of happened?”, “Could I have been a better parent, or brother, or sister, or friend, or spouse?”. Let bygones be bygones. What happened happened and there is nothing you can do to go back and change things. No amount of thinking about alternative endings will change reality, and you just need to accept the status quo.
• Convert your loss into action. Try to think about how you can help others avoid the same pain and suffering. This is one of the few positives that you can take away from the passing of a relative or friend. For instance, I am now firmly committed to helping other cancer sufferers get access to specialist care and treatment and I’m working on a mechanism to provide aid to those in need (both my father and daughter passed away from cancer).

So there we go! Life moves on, and day by day I try to adjust to life without two people who I loved and admired, and I will continue to honor their memories the best way I can.

Adrienne Leigh Boardman (Aug 18th 1987 ~ Oct 1st 2009)

Ken Boardman (Jan 21st 1934 ~ May 6th 2008)

She fought cancer for the last 13 years of her life, and she never let it stand in her way. I am so proud of Adrienne and everything she achieved in her short life. But we are heartbroken that she is gone and we miss her dearly …

Click here to view a short Tribute to Adrienne and her life.

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Adrienne Leigh Boardman  August 18th 1987 – October 1st 2009

Adrienne was diagnosed with Stage IIIB Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in December 1996, just a few months after her ninth birthday. [click here for detailed history]

When  Adrienne was old enough to ask real questions about her illness (in her early teens I think), we had a “why me” conversation. She really wanted to talk about her illness and how she thought it was some kind of retribution for something that she had done (like not being nice to her younger brother). It was a teary conversation for the both of us, but I still remember the essence of what I said to her. It went something like this:

“Adrienne, you have done nothing to deserve this disease. It just happened. Yes, by all means be a little nicer to your brother and not just because you feel guilty. He cares for you more than you realize.

Your disease is a complicated one and right now there is no magic bullet. All we can do is to keep trying different things and hope that we can control it long enough that a cure will eventually come along. The longer you keep going the higher the probability that the doctors and scientists will invent something that will cure this disease forever. …But, you should also know that your mother and Curt, Christina and I will do everything we possibly can to keep you alive and well in the meantime.”

She seemed to live the rest of her life based on that single conversation. Patiently waiting for a cure whilst living her life as fully as she could. She was so confident that a cure was just around the corner that she was always ready to try the next trial or the next drug.

Tragically on October 1st, 2009 after 13 years of trying to beat the disease she ran out of time and her fight came to an end. We never cured her cancer (even though Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is one of the more treatable cancers), but I know that sometime in the future there will be an answer to all forms of cancer and those who perish from it.

Having watched Adrienne spend more than half her life in this long battle, this is the best analogy I can think of to describe what she went through:

Fighting long-term cancer is like an endless marathon race that you don’t necessarily want to be in. It takes a huge amount of energy and determination to keep going, and sometimes you just want to give up and take a rest. However if you stop and take a break, the cancer gains on you, passes you, and then swallows you up. So you have to keep going, no matter what. You can never give up!

Sometimes you can run like the wind and sometimes you are dragging your feet looking for help and inspiration.

Sometimes somebody or something on the sidelines gives you hope and energy, enough that you can get moving again.

Sometimes you can see the finish line ahead and you look forward to finishing the race. Sometimes the cancer moves the finish line away from you and you are truly disappointed.

Sometimes you cross the finish line and a few months later you have to start all over again.

But the one thing you have to remember is that it’s not just about winning the race and beating the cancer.

… It’s also about the journey and experiencing every bit of life that you can along the way.

And that is the probably one of the most important lessons I learned from Adrienne as she “ran her race”. To make sure that every moment counts and to not let any disease ruin what life you have left.

In Adrienne’s own words:

“Though I’ve now had cancer for most of my life, I no longer plan my life around it. Instead I try to plan cancer around my life.”

My daughter (our daughter), ran the race of a lifetime. She couldn’t have done it any better than she did and even in the last few months of her life she was (reluctantly) ready to fight again. I can honestly say that she squeezed as much out of her short life as she possibly could. She lived in the moment with big plans for the future.

Adrienne, please rest peacefully knowing that you did your best. You tried harder to live than just about anybody else I have ever known. You showed us incredible courage and determination.

Love Dad.