It has been six weeks now since Adrienne passed away. I can honestly say that “time does heal” if you allow it to work. Although you never quite get over the loss of a child, eventually you start to put things in perspective and focus on the good things you shared. Without any doubt the five weeks leading up to her death were some of the most emotional times I have experienced in my entire life. The subsequent six weeks have been a definite period of sorrow, but it has also been a time to take stock and realize that she achieved a lot in her 22 years, she “touched” many people in her short life and she tried to live life as fully as she possibly could.
Last year I lost my father (Ken Boardman). He was good man and a great father. For the first 28 years of his career he was a police officer in the Cheshire Constabulary and later (after he retired) he became the landlord of “The Vaults Inn” in Ruabon, North Wales. He loved driving and he loved cars and I will always remember him for that. As time progresses I still have fond memories of the time we had together, the adventures he took us on and the many things he taught me and my brother and sister.
I don’t want to get moribund about all the people I have lost, but I do want share some things I have learned about the passing of friends and relatives and hopefully this will help others:
- Death is a part of life. Once you realize that one day we are all going to die, and that we all have different amounts of time available to us on this planet. It becomes much easier to put things in perspective. It might be wishful thinking, but I like to think that once we leave this place we can reconnect with those we have lost in the past.
- Treasure the memories and try to capture them. Once somebody close to you passes away the only things you have left of them are your memories, their achievements, photographs, videos and anything they owned or wore. There really isn’t a whole lot left of them after their gone and so you need to make the best use of the time you have together. Capture the moments and take lots of pictures (videos if you can) and make sure you do lots of things together and create some great memories. Try not to spend your time in conflict and you’ll really appreciate it later on – I promise! I have lots of fond memories of my dad and my daughter and these far outweigh any memories of suffering or sadness.
- By all means take as much time as you need to grieve and adjust to the loss – but don’t dwell on it! There is no doubt that some people heal faster than others, but I would recommend that you keep as busy as possible and gradually reduce the amount of time you think about the person you lost each day. Otherwise the feelings of sorrow will wear you down.
- Try not to think “Why did it happen?”, “What if I could have fixed it it?”, “What would life be like if this hadn’t of happened?”, “Could I have been a better parent, or brother, or sister, or friend, or spouse?”. Let bygones be bygones. What happened happened and there is nothing you can do to go back and change things. No amount of thinking about alternative endings will change reality, and you just need to accept the status quo.
- Convert your loss into action. Try to think about how you can help others avoid the same pain and suffering. This is one of the few positives that you can take away from the passing of a relative or friend. For instance, I am now firmly committed to helping other cancer sufferers get access to specialist care and treatment and I’m working on a mechanism to provide aid to those in need (both my father and daughter passed away from cancer).
So there we go! Life moves on, and day by day I try to adjust to life without two people who I loved and admired, and I will continue to honor their memories the best way I can.
Adrienne Leigh Boardman (Aug 18th 1987 ~ Oct 1st 2009)
Ken Boardman (Jan 21st 1934 ~ May 6th 2008)
